As close readers know, Clockwork is a huuuuuuuge fan of Steven Seagal Lawman. Sadly, the A&E reality series has shut down due to silly allegations of sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination in violation of public policy, and false representations about employment lodged against the actor/lawman.
First, can you imagine how much better the show would have been if all those things had happened in front of the cameras? Personal assistant Kayden Nguyen alleges Steven Seagal had two Russian hookers at the ready to fulfill his sex needs. Russian hookers = ratings gold. They spent an entire Lawman last season debating whether to kill rats, fer chrissakes.
B) No doubt rejoicing are the thugs, petty criminals and assorted scum of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, where Steven Seagal served as deputy chief of the reserve deputies. (Don’t go telling me that was a title made up for the reality show; Steven Seagal was the only member of the force always shown in a flak jacket with “Sheriff” emblazoned across the chest.)
Well, good citizens of Jefferson Parish, rejoice. Clockwork presents seven ways to save Steven Seagal Lawman.
* Weave in a plot line about how Steven Seagal was performing an undercover sex trafficking investigation. Why hadn’t Steven Seagal told anyone Steven Seagal was performing an undercover sex trafficking investigation? Because he’s Steven Seagal! Steven Seagal doesn’t follow the suits’ “rules.”
* Point out that the two Russian hookers were actually Sgt. Larry Dyess and Captain Alex Norman in drag.
* Blame it all on PTKSD (Post Traumatic Katrina Stress Disorder).
* Explain Steven Seagal did not reach Steven Seagal’s ham hands up the skirt, try to touch the breasts and stick his ham hands down the pants of Nguyen on her first night just for jollies. Steven Seagal was teaching the 23-year-old the proper way to pat down a perp.
* As for repeating the unscheduled pat down the next day, state that Steven Seagal was again giving a lesson. As Steven Seagal’s sensei taught Steven Seagal: repetition, repetition, repetition!
* Let Fortunato take the fall. Works every time!
* Change the name of the series to Steven Seagal Lawman? Not So Much.