In a stunning political move, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cucinelli, leading a coalition of Republican lawmakers and politicians, has proposed the long-awaited GOP health care option: making slavery legal in the U.S. once again. The plan was designed with the goal of saving money in the coming years of “socialized Third Reich Obamacare.” Cucinelli pointed out that if part of the U.S. population only counted as three-fifths of a person like in 1850, they would only need a portion of the medical care provided by a government bloated on the tax dollars of real Americans. Thus, “Slavery 2010: Part Deux” as the proposal is affectionately called, would save American taxpayers billions.
When asked if he would suggest legally enslaving all African-Americans as per historical practice, Cucinelli affirmed that African-American people were very important to the Republican party and would certainly not be enslaved under his new plan. He instead suggested enslaving those who have proved themselves most detrimental to the health of America. This would include, of course, gays, undocumented immigrants, professors at liberal arts colleges in the Northeast, all women who ever visited a Planned Parenthood clinic, and anyone who has ever criticized Sarah Palin on their personal blog. Under Slavery 2010, he explained from his Richmond mansion, your candidacy for enslavement won’t be based on the color of your skin, but on how well you’ve demonstrated your love for America. Colin Powell, for example, will remain free. But Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, and anyone who bought arugula in the past two years will be sold at auction to the highest bidder. Unlike historical slavery, this version would be a meritocracy, where merit can be purchased via campaign contributions to the GOP.
As the Slavery 2010 proposal gains ground support, more and more Republican members of Congress are beginning to see it as a viable economic solution to issues other than just health care. Slave children don’t get to go to school, creating smaller class sizes for the few free children who won’t be home schooled. Re-instituting slavery would also be a big job creator, as millions of out-of-work “real Americans” could be hired to weigh, price, and process the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Barney Frank. Slavery would even solve America’s problems abroad, providing cheap, front line soldiers for Iraq and Afghanistan who aren’t entitled to any of those pesky “veterans benefits.”
When asked whether or not he thought the American people would stand for having an institution as abhorrent as slavery re-instituted in the U.S., Cucinelli pointed out that as many modern-day abolitionists say, slavery never really left. Slavery 2010 is just finding a way for a small government to monetize existing social and economic differences within the U.S. and do so with order and decorum. He also pointed out that since Obamacare will bankrupt the country within a few decades, nuevo slavery won’t be very long lived. Besides, Cucinelli added, “I’ve got a dirty outhouse in my backyard that I bought just to make Hillary Clinton clean.”
Despite popular support, the prospects for Slavery 2010 are not looking good. In part because no one has actually proposed it (I made it up). But also, because I have enough faith in the American people to believe that we wouldn’t tolerate the legal enslavement of anyone. Just as we shouldn’t tolerate the illegal enslavement of millions of people around the world today. There are economic arguments for slavery — that it saves money, that is can bolster faltering economies, and that is helps most of the people in a society. But, thankfully, we have a constitution which holds that everyone is created equally, and that no human being is fit to own or be owned by another. And I’ll take a bottom line of universal human rights over one of economics any day.
Happy April Fools!
Photo credit: Caveman 992223